Lifeline
by Logan not here
Summary: Byakuren doubts herself. Murasa won't let her. "What's it like to die?" "What's it like to grow old?"


"Murasa, what is it like to die?"

The peace of a quiet afternoon spent sipping tea collapses. The cup in hand almost slips out. Grip tightens at the last minute, but that doesn't stop some of the hot liquid inside from splashing out. Hot tea burns. Doesn't really matter actually.

Neither of them reacts to the sudden change in atmosphere or the near accident with the tea cup.

She looks lost. Her hands are clasped tightly together in front of her on the table. She's sitting as a lady should, legs tucked underneath, back straight up and all. Good posture, yeah. But she still somehow looks small, like she's trying to disappear into herself.

Though she's sitting perfectly still, her eyes are lost and-

Look away. Don't want to see that.

-scared.

"What's it like to grow old?"

It's very quiet in the room; her gasp almost seems to echo. The words sounded accusing. It wasn't meant to sound that way, but it did.

Guilt crept up quietly. Need a distraction. Eyes rove everywhere except her face. The edges of the table. Cup of tea to the side. Bare walls where Kogasa scribbled some doodles she was sure no one would find. Stain in the corner from that one dinner party a week ago. Reminder, don't ever invite oni to the temple. Ever. Especially that small one.

Her hands clasped so tightly now they're shaking. Look away. Arms covered by her pristine black robes. She looks better with short sleeves. Then again, she's always pretty.

Look away!

Too late. Eyes glance her way just for a second and stray to her face to see that she's shocked. And no amount of denial will erase the fear in her eyes. The guilt.

_It's so scary. You look at the remains of the ocean liner in front of you. Hands shaking. Storm is still raging. Rain everywhere in every direction. Can't see anything. But you wish the rain would blind you to the sight of yourself._

_They all looked so happy. Having so much fun. Laughing, dancing, singing. Being together. Families strolled together on the upper decks. Siblings laughed and chased each other in games of tag. _

_They were all so happy. They had each other. They knew each other. Everyone was having fun. No one was left out. _

_No one was forgotten._

_There's still pieces of the ship floating on the surface. Pieces of the ship and other stuff. You want to leave. But you can't. _

_The waves are swallowing everything. The screams, the people running over each other to get to safety. They're all so selfish. They only care about themselves. When shit hits the fan, it's themselves they care about. The loved ones they were clinging on to earlier? Thrown away! _

_This is justice! You're doing the right thing! They had no right to forget about you. Now, this is what happens when the past comes to bite them in the ass._

_Little kids crying. Mothers soothing their young even as the floor they're standing on buckles and snaps in two. _

_You start shaking. And crying. Oh my god, what have you done?_

Murasa finally manages to look at her.

She looks so lost. Cast in the waves without a lifeline. But she was the lifeline wasn't she? She was the lifeline that saved Murasa. If she was broken and flailing, what's holding Murasa together?

The all powerful woman who stopped the storms raging inside her. Extended her hand. Forgiveness. Hope. She gave them away freely.

So is there any left for herself?

Murasa looks at the hands trembling across from her.

It's all the same anyway, right? Fear, confusion, guilt. Hijiri's suffering from the same thing she did. Only, Murasa found a lifeline.

_The nun smiles at you. Even with the rain pelting her mercilessly, the wind beating her from all directions, and the waves threatening to swallow her with the rest of the shipwreck. She's smiling at you. You. Not the seagulls. Not the clouds. Not the occasional floating object atop the water. She's smiling at you._

_Someone finally noticed you've been washed overboard. And they're tossing you a lifeline. Grab it. Hold onto it. Never let it go._

"Eh?"

Oh crap. While she was monologing, she grabbed Hijiri's hand without thinking. Yeah, 'hold onto it never let it go.' Well shit.

This is embarrassing.

"Well, um, er. It's-"

Murasa fumbles. What the hell can she say anyway?

Hijiri doesn't look so lost anymore. Just mildly surprised. And a little pink in the face. "Murasa?"

"Shit, it doesn't matter anyway, right?"

Hijiri's eyes widen. Murasa crimsons and tries to hide underneath the brim of her hat.

"I'm never gonna grow old, and I'm cool with that. But Hijiri isn't going to die. Not when me and the rest of the crew can do something about it."

Suddenly, that doesn't feel enough.

"And even if we can't, we'll find some way! So-"

Murasa meets Hijiri in the eyes. She's blushing like a young school boy confessing to his first crush. Hesitation, desperation and eventual determination.

We'll never let you go. Not when we're this close, this tied together.

Just when she knows that if she does anything else, she'll almost literally die of embarrassment, Murasa threads their fingers together.

She's embarrassed and frustrated. No matter how much she wants to, she can't find the words to comfort the one she cares for, the one she's living for.

Hijiri sees their intertwined fingers. Murasa's hand is warm, but no contest for how much the girl's face is flushed.

And Hijiri giggles.

Murasa is surprised by the sound and looks up to see Hijiri lean over and kiss her on the cheek.

"Thank you, Murasa."

"Ah yeah, n-no problem."

Murasa doesn't need to voice her words, Hijiri thinks. She looks at their hands joined together and squeezes. She understood what Murasa was flailing to say.

_If you'll be my lifeline, I'll be yours, for now and for everything that happens after now._

_

* * *

_

This feels incomplete. Like I raised questions but didn't provide answers. I just wanted to write something with Byakuren and Murasa! XP

And I kinda felt that Murasa might swear like a sailor.

But how the hell did they get an ocean liner in Gensokyo? XP

EDIT: Fixed some things that didn't make sense.


End file.
